Say YES to Salad.

My teacher told us to "do something (we) have never done before and blog about it". She told us about last year’s students who spent a day with a drug dealer in a township, attended a mosque and other such out-of-the-box endeavors. It made me contemplate my bucket list and I realised that all of my options, such as finding my biological father, mastering a martial art, shaking George Lucas's hand or adopting a child would  require more money and time than I could afford to spare. I had recently made a life changing decision to do a master cleanse that resulted in me not eating for 12 days. I realised that I could blog about that and my decision to change my lifestyle for the better.

In 2012 I suffered from kidney stones  and temporary kidney failure that forced me to stay in hospital for two and a half weeks. I was attempting a career in yachting in Spain at the time which meant that the kidney stone could not rear its god-awful, painfully-ugly head at a worse time. In the end I had to come back to South Africa because my hospital stay had got in the way of my job opportunities and my visa had expired.

Kidney-stones unfortunately run in my family. My over-zealous love for salt on everything, including watermelon, does not help my predisposition to this awful ailment. My uncle, another kidney stone sufferer, had done a cleanse that had changed his life and outlook on food. He explained how the cleanse could loosen and eradicate any stones in my kidneys as well as helping every single health issue that I had every experienced. He also told me how his cravings of sugar, dairy and meat naturally dissipated. He got back in touch with his bodies needs and began craving (and enjoying) healthy food. This is what really got me excited because at that point I had never eaten a single salad in my life. 

I bought the Mastercleanse kit and promised myself that myself that I would start my journey to health on January the first (what a joke). Fast forward 5 months to the point that I actually got off my ass and took my health back into my own hands. A contributing factor could  be the fact that my boyfriend is a photographer and I was sick of asking him to delete pictures that I thought made me look a little Jabba-the-Hut-esque. In the words of Bridgette Jones: "Sometimes you need to sink into a toxic fat envelopment in order to emerge, phoenix-like, from the chemical wasteland as a purged and beautiful Michelle Pfeiffer figure".

Please don't get me wrong, I didn't choose to do the  Mastercleanse in order to starve myself down to a size zero. I simply wanted to embark on a journey of health and when one is healthy and has a few kilo's to lose then weight-loss is inevitable.In fact the Mastercleanse only lets you lose weight until you are at a healthy weight, if you are underweight you will find that you gain weight on the cleanse. In the past I have had weight issues and I have worked really hard to overcome them. I no longer want to be reminiscent of a stick but rather a toned and trim pole.

It can be hard for a woman to think that she is beautiful. Sometimes the fact that you were maybe the "fat kid" in class has created scars that have never really left you. Maybe all the women in your family are obsessed with dieting and don't have one good thing to say about how they look. Maybe someone you once loved had a nasty habit of pointing out your imperfections or didn't really pay much attention when you did make an effort. Maybe you had an eating disorder at some stage and while you were in your own personal hell people commented on how healthy and skinny you were. Maybe you just think that all the models and actresses looks are actually attainable and you beat yourself up when you can't make yourself look like they do.

All I know is that when I have children I want to show them that I love my body for what it does for me and teach them to love their bodies too. I want to work up to the point where I will believe it for myself and help other beautiful people believe it about themselves too and that is why I chose my new-found journey to health.But I digress.

On the last day before my cleanse I ate a light chicken and rice dish and savored every single bite, knowing that this was my last supper- for the next 12 days at least! I ended off my evening with my laxative tea (unfortunately TMI is inevitable in this particular blog post) dreaming of the days post cleanse where I would have boundless energy, a reduced waistline and clear radiant skin.

The fact that I chose to start on the Easter weekend was both a blessing and a curse. The fact that I wouldn't be able to eat myself into early onset diabetes was awesome. However, being alone and (although I am not religious) not eating over such a festive family, friends and food holiday period was quite emotionally taxing at times. This was hard because I usually eat my feelings...with a side of  ice cream. I missed going out to braai's and going to gigs but I knew my temporary isolation was for the greater good.

50 years ago,Stanley Burroughs came up with the Mastercleanse. It was originally made to eliminate stomach ulcers but over the years it became apparent that it was an incredible cleanse that helped to promote overall health. Stanley once said in his book 'The Master Cleanser':

"The basic cause [of disease] is the habits of improper diet, inadequate exercise [and] negative mental attitudes...which combine to produce toxic conditions and malfunction of our bodies. The elimination of the cause of illness is the obvious and only way to healing and health."

The basic concept behind the cleanse is that all illnesses, from colds to cancer, are caused by toxins that form because of  improper diet, inadequate exercise and negative mental attitudes. The elimination of these toxins is the obvious and most effective way to health and healing. When you eat three meals a day your body uses all it's energy to digest the food. This means that it can't address other issues that may be more important to your long term health thus creating a backlog of ailments and ignoring long standing health issues

During the cleanse you can't eat any solids and you can only drink laxative tea, spring water, your daily salt water flush (gag) and the famous "lemonade" concoction. The body's main function is to break down and liquify food for assimilation. The reason that the cleanse calls for no solids is so that the digestive system is almost completely shut down. This is crucial for the cleanse as it gives our bodies a chance to shift it's focus to internal 'housekeeping'. Energy is now diverted from the digestive system and is put to better use detoxifying and cleaning out the body. Enzymes that usually spend nearly all of their time digesting can now be put to work on cleansing and rebuilding your body at a cellular level.

 The "lemonade" is made up of 30mls fresh lemon juice (half a lemon, preferably organic), 30mls Grade B  maple syrup, one tenth of a teaspoon cayenne pepper and 240mls spring water. 

The ingredients that make up the lemonade are very specific and each play a very important part of the cleanse. The grade B maple syrup acts as your bodies fuel and is very different from the maple syrup that we slather over our waffles. Grade B it is rich with vitamins and minerals and ensures that you have enough energy throughout the cleanse. The lemon juice and cayenne pepper alkalise your body and help to break up and loosen waste and mucous in the colon and other areas of the body. All the dead and diseased tissue is broken down and either reused or removed as mucous is cleared from the lungs and sinuses. Impacted wasted is loosened and cleared from the colon, toxins are mobilised for elimination and (my personal favorite process:) fat is recycled into energy. Damaged organs are repaired during this healing process and the immune system is invigorated.

Now you might be wondering how your body can eliminate anything without fiber. Well kids, that's the 'fun' part of Mr Burrough's Mastercleanse!- said no cleanser ever. Your body must now flush the loosened waste out of your system in order to clear the colon so that your body does not sink into toxic shock. The daily salt water flush is made up of two teaspoons salt to one liter water that has to be consumed in under 20 minutes. This concoction is not registered as either food or water because it has the same consistency as blood and as such, goes straight through your system. This results in having to set up camp in the bathroom for about 30 minutes. The salt water flush was hands-down the hardest part of my cleanse but became easier as the days went by. As the cleanse progresses the internal organs are rejuvenated and a myriad of long standing health issues begin resolving themselves. This results in effective and efficiently running organs. 

Before the cleanse I was terrified at the thought of being constantly hungry but to my astonishment this was not such an issue. Sure, I was psychologically hungry especially since I was spending all my free time writing an article on fast food brands for school. Never the less I found these cravings passed quite quickly. I will admit to being obsessed with smells. My boyfriend got quite freaked out when I insisted on taking long languorous nosefulls of his food. I will attribute this to the cleanse which is notorious for re-awakening the senses, I noticed a marked improvement in my eyesight too.

It got to the point where I enjoyed not having to make food and in truth, I had more energy during my cleanse than I can ever remember. A lot of cleansers complain about aches and pains returning to old injury sites but that is just the body re-addressing its old problems. For some the cleanse can be hellish due to detox symptoms which vary from person to person. Coffee drinkers can get an unbearable headache on the first and second days because of caffiene withdrawals, other people experience nausea and stomach cramps. I only experienced my skin breaking out in my body's attempt to force out all the toxic gunk. Oh yes, and a lovely little kidney stone on the last day which hurt like all hell but thankfully only lasted 45 minutes.


I decided to stop on day twelve but there is nothing stopping you from continuing the cleanse for 20 or even 40 days if your ailments are more severe than just a not-so-healthy lifestyle. The longest recorded cleanse was 385 days with no ill effects.


Besides a couple of uncomfortable detox symptoms I thoroughly enjoyed the process and I now actively enjoy foods hat I had never even heard of before like Bok choy and Canellini beans!  My energy levels are higher and although I am not yet a 'tight, trim pole', I have lost centimeters all over my body. Most importantly I have eradicated a kidney stone that could have kept growing and caused more havoc. I will definitely do this cleanse again and recommend it for anyone seeking health and freedom from their ailments.

Next healthy endeavor: exercise!