The Dark Side of the Internet: How Social Media can Kill Relationships

How can the depths of your heart be expressed when they are tied up in words and syllables?  
- The book of Mirdad.

Like everything in life, the internet exists in a duality. In this age of information it can be an incredible tool to further your mind but if depended upon for something more, like a distraction from life and introspection or a way of conveying yourself to others, it can become a very real block between yourself and your personal development.

When you create a persona on Facebook or similar, you get to choose what you portray. In real life things like body language and the fact that you are required to act or react in the moment usually means that doing this would be harder than it is on the internet. But on Facebook, you can be the positive, gorgeous model-like god or goddess that you want people to see- even though you may be at home, gripped in depression, hating every single feature of yourself and waiting for the next “like” as if it is a lifeline that provides you with some sort of validation. But what is validation if you have to ask for it? You get so stuck into this image that you want for yourself and you may not give yourself the space and time to embody the beauty that others see in you.

 You may be jealous of how amazing and together people appear on Facebook, but you must also realise that their page is usually a show reel of their life which showcases the highlights and discards the struggles and flaws that everybody suffers through.

 In contrast, others use it as stress release and post to get things off their chests, to relieve their feelings of boredom or to somehow distract from feelings of low self-esteem or despair. All these feelings have a very real and valid purpose and in my opinion need to be sat with, dealt with and shouldn’t always be medicated with crowdsourcing affection or solutions from others whether online or off. I am guilty of doing it too, but recent events in my life have made me realise the detriment that it has to my own personal development which in turn can destroy real relationships with both myself and others.

Relationships are a soft target for social media. The love you feel for another can be expressed to everyone you have ever known with a couple of keystrokes. This is todays equivalent of “shouting it from the roof tops” and begs the question, isn’t them knowing enough? Are you marking your territory? Or substituting real gestures of affection with superficial ones? It can also become a trigger for jealousy for even the most independent of people. For example: your boyfriend is online and he said he was going to bed, maybe you see he has recently added an ex or that a girl has posted a message on his wall that has one too many x’s.  All of these things can make your mind go into overdrive and let you can let yourself fall down black holes in your mind. The truth is that these things, while they CAN be a red flag, often aren’t indicators of infidelity or a lack of love but you reacting badly either outwardly or letting it eat you up can result in what you fear most. Allow your partner the freedom to be him or herself, the freedom to express themselves and don't take your interpretations as truth.

 The fact is that what happens on social media are things that a couple of years ago would have been done in private, and all relationships require privacy and space. You tread a dangerous road when you think that you can correctly interpret your partners (or anybody else for that matter) interactions with others and then react to them.

A lot of undue pressure can be placed on a person from a partner who expects the same sort of affectionate Facebook validation that they see others getting, but it is always good to keep in mind what really matters. The looks you give each other from across a room, the feeling you get when he or she looks at you and tells you they love you, or even the banter you share while cooking supper. It’s not about competing with Sharon from marketing who got a ginormous teddy bear for Valentine’s Day and constantly receives 50 wall messages professing her boyfriend’s undying love.

A lot of people show a great disdain for Instagram and many jokes and judgements are made about people who need to photograph their food even more than they need to salt their meat. Posting photos of every aspect of your life can take you out of the realness of the moment; it could also be fuelled by an ulterior motive like trying to convey how cool your life is or to trigger an emotion from one or more of your 576 “friends” and this puts you in serious danger of not living in the now.

 Not living in the moment can affect your life in so many more ways than is immediately obvious and is often the first step of other issues forming in your life. Everybody is different and by all means please post a picture of the R5000 burger you have saved up for from the most prestigious restaurant in the world; you have probably earned it and genuinely want to share this wonder of gastronomical science with the world.  My point is that it could be a good idea to investigate your need behind posting them and to maybe just trust that experiencing by yourself is enough and in a way, makes it even more special. 

It isn’t just romantic relationships that get affected, friendships and family relations can be affected too. The lack of privacy that Facebook allows means that sometimes, without your consent, somebody could share information about you either tagging you in a location when you would rather it remain unknown (for whatever reason) or in a picture that you know that they know is inappropriate.

 Sometimes friends can feel left out without reason and serious feelings of FOMO (fear of missing out) and insignificance in another’s life can take root. It is easy to be passive aggressive on Facebook and while it may give you superficial or short lived feelings of relief, it is usually a reaction and in life it is often more beneficial to wait, think and then act in a way that is mindful of you and your wellbeing.

Work relationships can also be compromised. The recent FHM debacle springs to mind where a friend of mine, who had been working for FHM,  posted a personal yet controversial status update that was misinterpreted and blown out of proportion by the public and subsequently lost him his job. What you say in your personal capacity to friends should not be something is exploited and used against you in public forum without proper context. This kind of thing can destroy careers and severely alter a person’s life course. 

I am currently trying to take a backseat in terms of social media but it has not been easy. I have managed to set aside times where I just sit and journey inside myself when I would normally use the internet to distract myself from myself.

There is so much more to say on this topic and most of these points have been borne out of my own journey of introspection and change that I have recently embarked upon. I want to bring to light the things that I have found to be true and express the importance of sometimes just putting off the PC, or changing your phones notification settings so that you can just sit and go through the feelings and thoughts that need to be addressed in yourself without public audience. Act, don’t react. 

It is not necessarily about avoiding social media completely, but being mindful. When you have something important to say to someone, make a plan to meet them and to show your heart. I wish I had come to this realisation a little earlier in life, but better late than never!